Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs
This is by Ed Murray, and is taken from The 4-Hour Work Week
Dear [preferred deity of choice],
I realised something very [adjective] today as I was washing my [animal], and that something is this: You are a/an [adverb] cruel [personal expletive pronoun].
Last night, after drinking seven shots of [least favourite spirit] and [smoking/snorting/shooting] enough [drug] to make [politician] blush, it became clear: It really is them, and not me.
I am the one who is completely [helpless state of being] when it comes to the [favourite colour] personal relationships in my life, and yet, I share my innermost [type of candy] with no one else on this [adjective] planet … because they are all [insulting adjective] [extinct animals].
I [emotion] them all, and I hope they meet a [adjective] demise choking on a platter of their own [Applebee’s appetiser].
This [adjective] catharsis made me feel [smiley emotion] and strangely alone, simultaneously. How can I connect with these [herd animals] I am surrounded by on a daily basis? I am just so sick of [synonym for “crying”] in the [part of house] every day … Maybe it would help if I shoved a fistful of [vegetables] into my [bodily orifice]. It makes my heart [verb] when I see the defeat in my parents’ [body parts], and it becomes [adverb] clear that they love the [type of car] more than [sibling’s name] … Maybe I should stab my [genitalia] with a [sharp object].
Today I have decided to buy a [noun], which will serve as a [metaphor], and as a [timeless adjective] symbol for the [expletive]-faced servitude I am bound to in this life … no more in control than the most [adjective]-minded of [farm animals]. I am trying desperately to [“st_p”] myself from [active violent act] all of my cow-orkers … except [person in the room]. I’ve always wanted to [forceful sexual act] him/her/it. I didn’t ask to be [verb].
If reincarnation does exist, please leave me out of it.
Topics: Book Reviews, Finance, Humour | 1 Comment »
Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011)
This is a sudden shock, well, to me anyways. Christopher (the) “Hitch” Hitchens died of complications arising from cancer of the oesophagus, which he’d had for about a year and a half. I guess I was too wrapped up in what he had to say, to realise how close he was to death’s door. And, what he had to say was quite something, during his life! I think, as far as the freethinker “movement” goes, he ranks a close number 2 behind Richard Dawkins. He had a rather, er, shall we say, unique collection of viewpoints. He was, unlike most people, supportive of the US invasion of Iraq, probably because getting rid of the Ba’ath party meant more Johnnie Walker Black (ugh!) for him. Still, he seemed to do an about-face when things didn’t go according to plan (like they were ever going to). I guess undergoing waterboarding confirmed to him that the W strategy included torture. He was also opposed to W’s support of “intelligent design”, like anyone intelligent.
But what really propelled him into the spotlight, at least for me, must have been his book god is not Great
It is seen as ironic by some religionists that he went to an evangelical Christian cancer specialist. But, going to Dr Francis Collins may simply be the result of going to the best, regardless of religious belief. Even so, I am certain that there was no “deathbed conversion”, and he remained a staunch antitheist right to the end. (And yes, I do believe that word should be used more.)
Of course, he was aware of his mortality, as are we all. However, he didn’t see some sort of “pearly gates” at the end of it, it is simply a breakdown in the machinery that is the human body.
He will, however, live forever, in the minds of those he has touched, whether through his writings, speeches, or appearances, or just those lucky sods who knew him personally.
Topics: Antitheism, Book Reviews | No Comments »
Game Theory
Ken Binmore from his book Game Theory
The fat cats who get regulated squeal a great deal about the virtues of the free market, but they know that the pleasant properties of perfectly competitive markets only apply when there are large numbers of small buyers and sellers. When there are only small numbers of [large] sellers, they always end up [ab]using their market power to screw the consumer unless restrained by government regulations.
[words in brackets added by me]
Topics: Book Reviews, Finance, Science/Mathematics | No Comments »
Eine Welt, Ein Nett, Ein Programm
“One World, One Net, One Program” – Microsoft ad for Internet Explorer
“Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Führer” – Adolf Hitler
Whoever invokes Godwin’s Law has lost THE GAME.
Microsoft has invoked Godwin’s Law.
MORNINGTON CRESCENT!
I WIN!!!111ONE!11!ONE1!
Topics: Geopolitics, Humour | No Comments »
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN
The only question asked was: ‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?’
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
Topics: Geopolitics, Humour | 1 Comment »
